‘I just want emotional maturity:’ Are Kiwi men lazy when it comes to dating?

When Ashlei Tabor moved from the US to New Zealand five years ago, she expected a slower pace of life, beautiful landscapes and friendly people.

She found all of that but not love.

Now in her mid-30s, she’s packing her bags for Sydney after five years of “romantic disappointment”.

She describes dating in New Zealand as a throwback to adolescence and she calls it “junior high dating.”

“There's a lack of maturity here when it comes to social interactions,” she said.

“People never develop proper social skills because they grow up and stay in the same friend circles their whole lives. No-one really knows how to meet new people.”

Ashlei believes Kiwi men don’t put in enough effort in relationships. Photo: Supplied

Tabor said one relationship in NZ ended when her partner cheated on her.

What stunned her most wasn’t the betrayal, it was the social response.

“When things like that happen here, no-one calls it out,” she said.

“In the states, friends would hold each other accountable. Here, people don’t want to upset anyone and they often say, ‘Oh, he was drunk, he didn’t mean it.’”

She believes New Zealand’s famously laid-back culture can sometimes spill over into emotional laziness.

“Men don’t put in enough effort in relationships here.

She said men back in the states and in Australia, where she dated briefly, were more “attentive.”

“In the States, guys actually planned things. They’d cook dinner, book tickets and make an effort.”

She said she’s tired of swiping on dating apps.

“I have been single for about a year now, and there hasn’t been a single person I have actually wanted to go on a date with in New Zealand.”

Tabor, who’s leaving in three weeks, believes men overseas learn early on that attentiveness matter.

“I find Australian men more open to come and actually willing to have conversations,” she said.

“They have developed the social skills to actually attract women.”

‘Men don’t know what they want’

Katy Phillips, a 34-year-old from the UK, who’s lived in New Zealand for nine years, is also leaving for similar reasons.

She’s heading home to London next month after what she describes as years of dating fatigue.

“New Zealand is quite a complex place to date because you have got most people who are in relationships and people who aren't don't really approach you in bars,” Phillips said.

“It’s a small country and everyone knows everyone. If you’re not on the apps, you’re invisible. People don’t really approach you in person. It’s quite insular.”

Phillips, who has dated in the UK, says New Zealand is by far the hardest place to connect emotionally.

“Kiwi men are kind and humble, but emotionally closed off. They don’t know what they want. They don’t seem to be clear.

“British men might be awkward, but they’re more open about feelings. Here, it’s like people are scared of vulnerability.”

She’s had two serious relationships in New Zealand, one five-year-long and one for about one and half years, but neither felt truly reciprocal.

“I just want emotional maturity. Someone who’s self-aware and willing to talk about feelings. That has been really hard to find here.”

Are dating apps making it worse?

Dating apps, Phillips says, have made things worse globally.

“It feels like online shopping. You’re swiping through faces, not personalities. People don’t know what they want so they just keep looking for the next thing.”

Phillips, who has lived in Auckland, Wellington and Queenstown, also feels the dating pool in NZ is “very small”.

“Most people here pair off early and the ones who are single at 30 either just got out of something or don’t want to commit. It’s exhausting.”

She said it seems harder for people who migrate to New Zealand.

“I don’t think it’s just me being from England. For international people, dating here can be difficult. In bigger, busier places people are more upfront.

“They’ll tell you what they think because they don’t want to waste time. There’s more willingness to have depth and be emotionally open.”

Now she’s looking forward to a fresh start.

“London’s bigger, more diverse and people are more emotionally expressive. I’m not expecting a fairy tale, just better odds.”

Sophia Christina met her partner Hayden Beaton in May 2024- less than a year after she began intentionally dating. Photo: Supplied

‘The same dynamics exist everywhere’

Sophia Christina, a New Zealander who lived and dated in London, says she noticed similar patterns in both the countries.

The Auckland woman ditched the New Zealand dating scene a few years ago and moved to London but couldn’t find what she was looking for.

Christina, 35, noticed the same patterns of swiping culture on dating apps, fear of missing out on “better options” and surface-level interactions.

“I don't think people take dating seriously anywhere. I think there's just always this idea that there's a better option, another swipe away, and we just don't give people enough time,” she said.

After spending two years in London, she came back home and hired a matchmaker.

“I think the matchmaking experience got me really ready for serious dating.

“It was like the first time I was actually on a date. I knew the person I was sitting down with was also looking for a serious relationship so it completely changed the dynamic.”

Christina believes much of the problem comes from human behaviour, not geography.

“The same dynamics exist everywhere,” she said.

“People chase highs, avoid commitment and confuse chemistry with connection. But when you date intentionally, cut the noise and focus on one person, genuine relationships are possible anywhere in the world.”

Her experience inspired her to launch Shortlist, a matchmaking service that provides an alternative to dating apps.

‘Understanding yourself is key’

Massey University professor and senior clinical psychologist Kirsty Ross said building a relationship takes effort, courage and clarity.

“We grow up on movie tropes where you lock eyes across the room and just know, but real relationships require effort,” she said.

Ross believes strong relationships begin with self-awareness - being clear about values, expectations and boundaries.

“You can’t build something authentic unless you are clear about your own values and expectations,” she said.

Understanding yourself, she said, is key.

“If you keep finding yourself in the same kind of unhealthy relationship, it’s not about blame- it’s about reflection. What part of that pattern are you bringing in and how can you break it?”

-Stuff